I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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