i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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