So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
