i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Boobs speak an international language.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
