I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
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Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
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I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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