I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
