So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
