Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
