I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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