Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
