The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
