I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
