I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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