just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
