Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
