he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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