I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
