i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
