no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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