Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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