I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
