I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
