So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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