i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
