No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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