shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
