the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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