peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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