You made me cry and you don't even care
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
