Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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