Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
