Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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