I want to stick my p in your. b.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
