The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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