Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
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I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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