Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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