if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
