my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
