I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
