So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
