My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
