...so i touched it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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