Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
