Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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