Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
