Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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