Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
