im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
