He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
