when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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