Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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