my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
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Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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