Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
