My friends, they love my intelligence
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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