I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
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Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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