is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
