I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
