Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
