Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
