Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
