My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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