You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
