I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
