mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
